What I am about to tell you is HUGE HUGE HUGE for me.

Since the accident I have struggled badly with FEAR mostly because my biggest fear came true - my husband died (still saying those words are so difficult and unbelievable). But I am surviving my fear and I am walking through the journey of grieving and I am thankful for how far I have come. I know that God is in control I still fear losing someone else close to me because the thought of hurting like this again is unbearable and I've often caught myself telling God just that. I have known I've been afraid of DEATH and of the dark (ha ha but I'm serious!) for awhile but I haven't dealt with it because there seemed to be so much more at the forefront of this journey to deal with. I worship an absolutely amazing God who has no intention to leave us as we are. My fear was getting worse by the day and was manipulating and slowly crippling my life. It was time to knock FEAR out of my life and overcome myself.

It goes without questioning that we all have fear in our life...it was the "what if's" that were eating me up. Many times we don't name the fear, maybe we joke about it and just accept that we have areas in our life that make us who we are - we cherish our fears and therefore it can make it all the more difficult to let them go. But if there is something threatening your joy and your walk in life, then why not get rid of it, you cannot be who God created you to be with these things in your life. It might be a fight to get rid of it, but a fight well worth it.

The other night I was watching tv and a Christian man from the middle east was talking. He is an ex muslim turned Christian and there is a bounty on his life for an enormous amount (60 million) because of his ministry to reach muslims and share the message and power of Jesus with them. He KNEW there was something very real to fear, talk about a major psychological battle, and still he had an awe-inspiring joy about him and he feared NOTHING. He said, "Because I believe that I am in the hands of God and He protects me and there is no fear," "Jesus said don't fear and there are about 366 promises in the Bible, don't fear." It was like the Lord was talking straight to my face, I hid it in my heart and slept peacefully all night - this was a first in a looong time of unrestful sleeps (due to fear - not baby).

The next day I went to Bible Study and we watched a video from Beth Moore's study on Esther. It shook me to my core and changed me FOREVER!! I walked out of that room feeling refreshed and on my way to being fearless.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid." - matthew 14:27

Jesus said don't fear but TAKE courage... literally take it! He's offering it. Take it! We're only doing a disservice to ourselves not to. I love this because I never really thought about literally taking it. The biggest thing that penetrated my heart was that no matter what my fear - fear of living "without" or fear of the "what if's," the answer is always - GOD. No matter what may happen in life God will take care of me! It's one of those truths that I've always heard and "known" but to actually let it seep into every ounce of who I am and live it is very different. And this is where I have decided to begin to live.

Death of a loved one is utterly tormenting to live through, it hurts tremendously and shakes your soul to it's core. I pray that this cup passes by me, but to live in this fear is so so not the freedom that Christ intended for us to live in. I find it deeply encouraging to remember that death is NOT our destination, but rather a part of our destiny (Beth Moore said it first:))

I choose to be brave - because Christ is living in and through me - not because I am my own hero - if that were the case I might fall back into my fear in an hour ha ha. So now when I hear a sound at night or fear losing someone I love I still get that prick of fear - but I know better than to stay there and I remember a verse that brings comfort and focus on that and remember that no matter what happens God will be with me.

Death (or fear in general) holds no threat in my life because GOD is bigger than my fears.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear" - Ambrose Redmoon

"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?" - 1 corinthians 15:55

Tara Lately

I find it hard to post tonight in light of THIS but since I said I would... it just feels bla in comparison to what these ppl are facing... how my heart breaks for the Crumby family. Please join me in praying for them...

I just finished decorating the house for Christmas. It was bittersweet. Last year I didn't decorate because we were in BC for the entire month of December. This year it stung my heart to even think about opening the rubbermaid labeled 'Christmas decorations.' Christmas is my ALL time favorite time of year, or it has been in the past, but when you lose someone so precious to you that happiness that many holiday songs elude to is just not there. BUT there is JOY. And tonight I fought for that joy, and guess what? I won. There is always joy, because God is real and alive and irresistible! I decorated for my boys, for my own growth and you know, It was a good night.

We were just in Arkansas visiting with family for thanksgiving. It was SUCH a great time. The plane rides were adventures as they always are with a toddler a baby and a nutty mother. But since we do fly frequently the boys are great at security, dashing from gate to gate and being patient. However, kids will be kids and that is ok! Our direct four hour trip back home began with racing down the airport from our last flight to the next gate. Micah thought it was fun and kept giving me huge smiles from his carrier - God knew I needed them:) And Jake wanted to go faster - of course I can honey!! Ha! I busted it to the gate only to find the plane had already left! Just kidding:) actually, they were waiting to board so I jetted (again - my thighs needed the workout anyway) to get a super BIG coffee which I drank in under four minutes. So we walk onto the plane last - I prefer that because it is less waiting on a cramped plane. We walk past first class and I must say I hold a slight resentment for those that get to fly first class. On this occurance they seemed to be mostly business men, wearing fancy suits, reading their papers and making last minute business calls on their super duper sweet blackberries, blueberries and I-phones. And I just thought (as we trugged to the END of the plane) that it should be children and their parents who receive the comfy seats and extra leg room! There may be more relaxed parents and maybe even less cranky children.! These "poor" wealthy business types who jet from here to there and eat fancy business lunches... I have no pity. But this is another topic for another time - I just think society has devalued children and the job that parents, especially stay at home parents do!! It's a HUGE job, but the best of them all. That's it, I'm creating my own parent friendly airline....

Wow... tangent... sorry! Ok so last airplane story. As we are squished in the back of the plane beside the glorious potty I turn Jake's movie on and nurse Micah to sleep... perfect, maybe I can read my book.... and then Jake turns to me and says, "Mommy, I have to poo" oh, crap! (no pun intended) so I desperately rack my mommy mind... trying to come up any solution where Micah will keep sleeping. I produced nothing so the stewardess held Micah, while I took Jake. Micah screamed the entire time, but I have learned something of value since being a mom - DO NOT make eye contact with anyone when your child is acting out - every time it has saved me from gawking eyes or nasty looks. So there you have it, a small story from our flight adventure. Why do they always seem to involve poo? Maybe because they are better to laugh at later...

I was nervous to come home, they are the same feelings that stab at me each time we arrive home from a trip. It's lonely and exhausting because I still have to be a mommy - I don't get to sit and relax for even a few minutes until the last one is asleep and that can be discouraging and daunting! But my cousin Laurel, picked us up from the airport and we went back to her house and detoxed and stuffed our tummies! I did get to sit and relax - it was a precious gift. Then we journeyed to our house.... never in my life did such little things like a fifteen minute drive seem so HUGE until the accident happened... Bonnie had arrived a day earlier at her empty house after visiting with family and what she said greatly encouraged me. She told me that she thought about all the things she was thankful for and also prayed ALOT. Great advice, so I followed suit. Jake asked to have chicken nuggets for dinner - so we made a plan. We've been having picnics for dinners lately because it is sad for me to sit at such a big table with such little conversation - it seems so empty without Preston there. So we've been putting a blanket down in the living room, bringing our food out on a tray and eating in front of the tv - we talk and watch and it's great! (Just a little glimpse of how we're working on reinventing our normal)

If you could remember to pray for us still I would so so appreciate it:) I can't conclude anything specific other than praying that Micah sleeps better but God knows what we need and your "general" prayers are much appreciated and needed:)

Coming Soon

I'm going to blog....soon I'm just SO tired! We had a wonderful week in Arkansas with family - we love you guys and miss you tons! And I got to see my sweet Bonnie and her adorable children... that day was precious and I'm sure I could write an entire blog about it.

We just got home yesterday and I'm wiped.... but I have alot to say so I will blog soon.... I know, I know, you can't wait... (ha ha) but I just wanted you to know I didn't forget I had a blog.... :)

um..ew

I know it's long but if you can, try to walk to the end of this...I promise it will be worth it!

Last week was a very gross week. First Jake got sick. Then Micah. And finally Me. We got hit with the stomach flu. Thank you airports. We were housebound for almost the whole week. Jake was better by Tuesday (well I thought) and so we got to go to Bible Study :) but after that we pretty much stayed around the house. I am so not ok with that, but I had to be - darn it you just can't take barfing kids out! Then on Saturday the boys were better and I hadn't got it yet so we hit the mall. It was our first week home from being in Canada and those are always difficult weeks as we are a little lonely - it was so nice to have a houseful of people! Oh and did I mention Micah still wakes every two hours at night? Ah!

As we toured the mall I saw the Christmas decorations and the giant tree, even Santa had arrived. And there were all the little families with their daddies and the kids in their matching sweater vests and frilly dresses waiting to take pictures with the jolly hairy man. I admit I was a little depressed. And I don't like that, it's not me, but I didn't have the energy to fight it - my energy went into cleaning puke at midnight, I decided to endure it for a little while, why, I'm not sure... maybe it was easier not to have to work through something and maybe if I'm really honest I was angry that this was my reality - still. Somehow you secretly hope that someone will wake you up and let you know that this past year has just been a bad dream.

Ok back to the mall. Jake was so excited to get out of the house and I'm sure it was nice to see that there really are other ppl in the world! So I pretended that I thought Santa was the coolest. And that the lights and decorations were all so amazing, and then we went to the Disney store because I figured a little disney can make us all smile, right? wrong. Jake must have sensed my bad feelings because he didn't even care to get out of the stroller. Weird for him. We got some Christmas shopping done, but it was more mechanical than joyful. Crap! This isn't how Christmas is supposed to be. Why did I feel like I was walking around pushing two precious children who deserved so much more than this sad little mama and wanting to crash my stroller into every smiling person...but my kids might get hurt. (Ok that made me laugh - I'd never do it but it is kind of a funny mental picture what would tomorrows headlines read: crazy mother rampages through mall - ouch)

I am sure that each person has their story and even though we all try and put on a happy face deep down we all carry a story, and sometimes a deep and painful story. But obviously it's easier to hate the smile than think about the reality.

Ok here comes the climax of the story! We're walking out of Brookstone and it hits me, flushed cheeks, a hot flash and my stomach lurches! NO! I rush to the bathroom and then decide it's time to get out of here asap. BUT... I had promised Jake a treat from the candy store - why Tara, why? I tried to sneak out but as I opened the door to outside he sais, "NO, mommy, what about my treat?" kids don't forget. So back we go to the candy store and note to self: never ever let your child pick his treat, especially when you're about to erupt. Then again I think it was the happiest moment he had all day. He went from bin to bin to bin to bin saying woow wow, look at this one mommy!!! It blessed my heart, but not my stomach. So I quickly chose something and went to pay. $.70 says the man! What!? Candy is never that cheap! I can't use my card I bet I have change, just wait... and two hours later we were at the car! (haha i'm kidding, but I think it took me way longer than swiping my card) Anyway our trip ended in the car as I nursed micah and threw up into Jakes now empty candy bag. Jake was happy, Micah was full so we headed home and I cried out to God for help and sanity.

The best thing all week was the amount of love and support we received!! Texts, calls, emails and facebook notes. I adore you all so much. And wish so badly I could speak to each person who encouraged me this week I am SO SO thankful for all you did - I know that I can't possibly thank you like I want so I'll leave it to God and pray he blesses you - it would be much sweeter than my thank you anyway:)

So who wants to look after you when you're sick? Your mother! I had to call my mom. And yes she traveled all the way down here to stay with us for only a few days. At first and even still I am embarrassed. Why? Well, I feel I have failed. When I try to do this on my own something always seems to happen, like the flu and non sleeping children! I try, I really do, but you can only do so much with the circumstances your given before you have to throw your hands up and say HELP MOMMY:o Those of you who know my mother know she rocks. She has lots of energy, lots of love and is actually doing my dishes as we speak - i love you mommy! I only hope I can sacrifice as much as my parents have for my children. I will do this on my own but I am beginning to see that I don't have to carry it ALL on my shoulders... I'm still learning... I have alot of support here, but really when you're sick it's nice to have an in-house helper!

I learned alot this week, thank you to all of you who shared your hearts with me and taught me through my struggle. Yes my mom came and because of her and the Lord and all of you I was able to work through my moment of depression. Not saying depression is wrong, but for me I want so badly to work through it because it's SO not fun.

Today was Bible Study - i love love love it. My table group is so amazing! I learnt so much from you girls! And today this quote hit me and was a great conclusion to my brutal week.

"Esther's superficial life was about to be shattered, and a woman much deeper than her skin was about to be unearthed. If we're blessed, the same will happen to each of us... - b. moore

Ok so you don't have to know the story of Esther here, but her life was going to be changed dramatically and God was going to go to work. In my eyes, my life was shattered, but the Lord has taken my brokenness and my "shattered life" and is refining me. Even just this week, amidst the barf, laundry and lonely moments God was still there - refining me and teaching me (especially through those closest to me) even though It wasn't all so clear at the time.

Looking back it's easier to see what he was doing. I still don't understand why he doesn't let Micah sleep, but I am thankful that he is bigger than this challenge and I trust him. He blessed me by molding my depression into beauty - I know it's beauty because I am praising him at the end of it. I realized I can't always do this on my own, I don't have to prove I am this mighty independent woman (that society ...and Oprah... tells me to be) because it's only in my weakness that God raises me up above my circumstances and enables me to cope in his strength. As much as some people think they have to be strong and independent to prove to the world that they're going to make it and conquer their own struggles. I am God's child and he helps me fight my battles, I am proud of that. With him I am much stronger and I am free to walk in dignity and victory into whatever future I may have. I can't imagine being in a better place.

"Even now, declares the Lord, return to me with all your heart..." - joel 2:12

Remembering our Engagement

Being "kids" on lover lane at BBC

Typical conversation :)

Our first date - look how young we were!! (18)

Today is a day that many remember the sacrifices of members of the armed forces and of civilians in times of war, and we should... they are stronger than I! But today I also remember the day that Preston and I got engaged. It was a crisp late fall day when Preston and I decided to step into the rest of our lives together. Two journeys colliding into what we believed would be Preston and Tara - forever. The memories of that day are sweet, they are innocent and blushing with an extreme passion known only as true love.

Preston and I were attending Briercrest Bible College at the time and were into our second year. We were going on a date to the "big" city of Regina - whoo hoo! (i hear the laughs) and we went to our favorite restaurant Montana's - we ate more than our tummies should handle, have you ever experienced their mile high mud pie? YUM! That night we did. Then I asked Preston if we could go dancing... not clubbing. Just me and him under the stars with our favorite band playing... he looked at me and said, "Well Tara, that was already in the plans" (yay!) Leave it to me to ruin the surprise! So we went downtown to the river by the parliament buildings. He pushed play and we met on the rivershore, Switchfoot began to sing 'our' song - On Fire and we danced. Nothing fancy - I think it was more like hugging and gliding back and forth - hey we had to keep warm:) Preston is noticably quiet. Then he steps back and puts his hand in his pocket and I'm like oh my gosh, he's going to pop the question - weird he's not on one knee...maybe he doesn't know he's supposed to! but I really didn't care. Then he pulls out my thumb ring i had been wearing at dinner and says, "I gotcha!" What! we laughed - that was us and he was so dang nervous i think he just wanted to have a practice run! Then a second later he gets down on one knee cause he really was that smart and after he pulls out the real ring says, "Tara I would be honored if you would be my wife, will you marry me?" YES! We kissed and hugged and got so excited at our new future. Then we raced back to school. I ran onto my hall and was greeted by the lovely ladies of whit 2 who joyfully did the "someone's engaged scream (there is a certain girly scream that announces it to all) and we drank Christian wine - bubbly apple cider stuff with our friends in the beloved whit foyer. We didn't sleep much that night;)

But today these memories are also bitter and what was once so wonderful stings so deep. The future that we once thought we had captured as our life together was suddenly (and without our permission!) taken from our hands. And our dreams could be no more.

I am not weeping solely bitter tears, they are mixed with the sweetness and love that we did share. The kisses, the morning snuggles the long talks, growing up together.... I cherish those moments but it is so so so painful to have the daily moments with Preston replaced with silence. I MISS YOU. I know that we were blessed with an incredible and passionate love - God knew our time was short, and He is gracious. It is just the pain of realizing that OUR journey together is finished - hard words to even think about.

It is often very difficult not to be envious of the friends who married when we did but who are still growing in their relationship and adding to their families. But the truth is really like it is every time I have a time of great sorrow, that I cannot remain here...sometimes I really want to... it seems easier to sulk and feel sorry for yourself then to call on the Lord and work through (emphasis the word WORK) this moment. I will try and cherish the memories and even relive them step by step in my mind and then I will begin again to move on in my new journey.... it is in these moments I feel the Lord's grace fall like rain - this is a good place to begin tomorrow.

Halloween Adventures

Here are our Halloween adventures...

Micah was quite obviously a pumpkin!

Jake was a dragon but he thought he was a dinosaur!

Here we all are! I was the paper bag princess

(if you haven't heard of it... it's an awesome book my Robert Munsch)

We went trick or treating! Jake LOVED It

The Dragon and his princess

Posing as a scarecrow.... love this kid!

Decorating cookies... in our underwear, i mean not all of us...

The day mommy went out...

Micah pulled himself up!!! 6 1/2 months

Life is g o o d!

Can I actually say life is good? It has the temptation to feel wrong, but I can't live there. Life has been better than ever since the accident...that's something to be thankful for - IT DOES GET BETTER - words I never imagined I'd say. Moving into a new house really helped, I grieved the fact that Preston would not be moving on with us.... I grieved it deeply and for an entire month (you're like really tara, did you honestly count?) so I'm happy to say I've accepted that sad fact and can "move on" from there. The center of living life without Preston is realizing that to some degree you must say good bye to "Preston and Tara." Preston was my future and now he is just my past?!?! The words cut me like a knife. Every single day God helps me get through this, I don't think I'll ever fully get over it nor do I want to, but he is leading me to a healthy form of living with such a reality. The really bad days are fewer.

One thing that really helps me is knowing that Preston would want me to move on and keep living in a healthy way. He is happy and he knows that the journey ends with all of us together again. I am pretty positive he has a far clearer outlook on all of this than I do so that comforts me. He sees the bigger picture, I'm still watching it be painted...

There is one thing I have always always prayed, "God, please mold me into the girl who YOU see for me to be," It is so easy for us to pick out what we want to change... whereas God sees the whole picture and can capture areas in our life that need to be mended.

"But now, O LORD, You are our Father,We are the clay, and You our potter;And all of us are the work of Your hand." - Isaiah 64:8

And lately that area has been FEAR. I have been talking to some friends about what is generally going on in my head and more than one has said, well, it sounds like you're struggling with fear... the day to day fear, not the scared of the dark fear (but that's also up there ha ha.) I think I find it easier to trust that God is in the big things, like the fact that he allowed Preston to die, but harder to trust him in the every day things like raising my children or being on my own. I know God is my strength, the calmer of my storm and the rock of my life, BUT I fear my failure. I fear I won't be faithful, that I won't walk as closely to Him as I need to to survive this. I fear I'll cave to my "humanity," to my frailty and collapse under the heaviness that is the responsibility (loaded word) set before me. So what do I do? How Lord do I overcome this fear?

I find I am constantly giving it back to him...and I will do so until he has conquered this in my life. I fear, then I pray: I give it up to you Lord! I am trying to focus on what I know to be true, that he is my rock and that he has promised never to leave me. I have to make it a priority to meditate on His word and walk closely to him, this is always the answer. I know when I seek him with all of my heart I will find him and his ways will be my ways... so much easier to write though.

Micah is recovering really well from his surgery, he was super happy the next day and one day he'll thank me in the locker room! AND super great, he is sleeping better... I let him cry it out this week - oh my gosh is that not the hardest thing to do?!!?! I can only do it if I have a friend over to force me to sit and not go up there... I have a video monitor so I can see but not hear! Video monitors are amazing, worth every penny, then again when I started to see someone elses's child on another chanel that was creepy... invasion of privacy anyone?

So all in all life is good, our new normal is not as bad as I thought it would be and every day brings new hope and new adventures... but we still need you guys praying! I am so thankful for you all...

Micah's surgery

Micah had his surgery today! It went super well! It was just for his little man part... fixed a few things:) He couldn't eat four hours before and that was actually what I was most worried for... he doesn't understand why mommy isn't feeding him! BUT the night before he ate an entire jar of chicken and sweet potato (that was a first) and ate alot through the night (only time I was ever glad for this!) so i think it all tied him over and he only fussed for 5minutes before he went in! The doctors and nurses were amazing and thanks to my friend Ashley who babysat Jake...she ended up having five kids under four! yikes!

When he came out of surgery and woke up he was screaming histerically!! I could hear him all the way down the hall! He was shaking and redder than a tomato, but as soon as I fed him he was good... he's doped up and sleeping now!

Thanks so much for praying, I felt a tremendous peace the entire time! I held onto this verse:

"Hear my cry, O God;

Attend to my prayer.

From the end of the earth I will cry to You,

When my heart is overwhelmed;

Lead me to the rock that is higher than I." psalm 61:1-2